MEET loving couple John and Claudia, who have been together for seven years — though during the past three, he has bedded more than 40 other women.
But she does not mind a bit, having had flings with more than 60 men herself in that time.
The pair are part of a growing movement called polyamory, in which couples allow each other full sexual freedom, while maintaining their love and respect for each other.
Polyamorous dating website openminded. com has 36,002 UK members out of 180,000 worldwide.
John and Claudia credit polyamory with keeping their relationship alive and are now planning to get married and have children.
They even say they would invite previous partners to the wedding.
John has often had two or three sexual partners on the go at once. But while Claudia has had more flings, she says not all of them went all the way. She adds that she enjoys the flirting and the kissing as much as a full sexual encounter.
John, 28, who runs a music studio, says: “My friends find it so hard to get their heads around it. They say, ‘You let Claudia sleep with other guys? Aren’t you jealous?’
“But allowing each other to have multiple sexual partners actually strengthens our relationship.”
Claudia, 24, an artist from Islington, North London, says: “John is the man I love but I am only human in that I still fancy other men.”
She continues: “We met when I went along to see his band playing. At the time I was only 16, and a student.
“We were instantly attracted, and we dated quite normally for four years.
“Then we were apart for a while as I was away at university and he was travelling with his band, and we both cheated on each other — bizarrely on the same day, as we later discovered.
“When we met up we confessed to each other and at first I thought it would mean the end of our relationship. But then when I examined my feelings, I realised I did not really mind or even feel jealous.
“I loved John, and I did not want us to split up. I thought about it, and suggested we stay together, but in a new model of a relationship.
“We’d both be free to see and sleep with other people, but at the same time maintain a close, loving relationship.
“I’ve been at parties where John is openly kissing another woman and my friends cannot believe I don’t mind. Likewise, John has seen me hitting on a good-looking guy, and he turns away and lets me get on with it, knowing we may well end up in bed.”
A support group called the Polyamory Society has come up with a definition of the lifestyle. It says: “Polyamory is the non-possessive, honest, responsible and ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultaneously.
“Polyamory emphasizes consciously choosing how many partners one wishes to be involved with, rather than accepting social norms which dictate loving only one person at a time.”
It adds: “This bond usually, though not necessarily always, involves sex.”
John admits he took a while to come round to the idea of polyamory. He says: “Initially I hated the idea of Claudia sleeping with other guys, and I did feel jealous.
“I thought, ‘How on earth could this work? Why would I want to share my girlfriend?’
“But I travel abroad a lot with my band, and it began to dawn on me that this was the perfect situation for a guy.
“I can sleep with other women when I want, and Claudia won’t mind — in fact I have her permission.”
But it is not a free-for-all. Claudia adds: “We set down rules for our relationship. In general, we don’t discuss other partners with each other, and definitely don’t go into sexual details.”
John adds: “There are some guys who might get off on hearing what their partner gets up to with another guy in bed, but I’m not one of them. Orgies are not on the cards for us.”
The couple also try to keep their flings separate from their relationship. Claudia says: “’We’ve only once been with other people in our own home at the same time, but we realised that was a potential minefield so I will only invite men back if I know John is going to be away, and likewise for John with women.
“We have at least one night a week exclusively for each other, and we do not text or message any of our other partners on that night — that would be disrespectful. I don’t tell John the names of the guys I am seeing.
“I know a couple of the women John has slept with and they are very beautiful but I am not jealous, I am happy for him.”
Claudia is more active than John on the polyamory scene. She says: “I go to meetings and social events, and it is a really good way to meet like-minded couples.
“But it is quite a close network and that can be an issue, as it gets really complicated if everyone is sleeping with everyone else.”
John prefers to meet partners outside the polyamory scene.
He says: “I am always upfront with women. I say that I am in a committed relationship and that I am not looking for a long-term partner, and that this is just sexual fun, a one-night stand. To be honest, for me, it is really all about sex. Claudia’s the woman I love.”
Both partners realise there is the potential for them to fall in love with one of their other sexual partners.
Claudia says: “There is that risk, and a couple of times the situation has got a bit tricky and there have been angry messages from the other person.
“That’s why so many poly people stay in their own scene, because outsiders can find it hard to understand.
“But to me, it makes perfect sense. John and I have been together for seven years, and we could be facing the classic seven-year itch.
“But because we give each other the freedom to sleep with other people, we are much more likely to stay together.
“Human beings are not programmed to be monogamous, it’s inevitable that you will meet other people you fancy.
“For John, I’m sure it’s about sex, but for me it’s as much the excitement of flirting and kissing a new man.
“I love to go out dancing with my friends and know I can respond to someone new without feeling guilty that I am hurting John.
“It takes away all the deception that finishes so many relationships.”
John says: “I do think this will be an increasingly modern trend. It isn’t swinging, it isn’t wife-swapping, which has been going on for years.
“This is simply giving your partner all the sexual freedom they need.
“With dating apps like Tinder it is so much easier to meet sexual partners for one-night stands, and young people are becoming much more used to that idea of sexual freedom.
“It shouldn’t necessarily preclude a strong, committed relationship.”
POLYAMORY TERMS
Bipoly: Someone who is bisexual and polyamorous
Cellular family: Group of three or more partners living as a family
Clan: Multi-partner grouping of at least five people
Compersion: Opposite of jealousy, a feeling of deep pleasure when your partner is with one of his or her other lovers
Condom contract: Agreement between polyamourous members to use condoms with sexual partners outside of the agreement
Cowboy: Someone in a polyamorous relationship who tries to break away to form a monogamous relationship
Ethical slut: Person choosing to embrace multiple partner relationships without sexual shame
Exclusion jealousy: Most common form of jealousy where a person believes they will lose their primary partner to another lover
Handfasting: Popular form of polyamorous marriage not recognised by the authorities
Metamour: Your partner’s partner
Pansexual: The sexual or emotional attraction without reference to gender or biological sex
Polyfidelity: Polyamorous relationship involving multiple partners but closed to new lovers
Primary: Polyamory person’s main partner
Relationship anarchy: Non-monogamous philosophy originating in Sweden very similar to polyamory
Triad: Most common form of three-person polyamory
Wibble: Temporary feeling of insecurity or jealousy when seeing your partner with another partner
–– Names have been changed.
- Culled from www.thesun.co.uk
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